Okay, funny story time! (And yes, my English still not perfect, but my brain now work like supercomputer… kind of 😅)
Last winter, I was sitting in my tiny Toronto apartment, you know, the kind where heating only works when it’s already warm outside (thanks, landlord!). I was eating my third poutine of the week and feeling my brain turning into actual maple syrup. Like, you ever have that moment when you watch so many TikToks that you forget your own postal code? That was me.
So there I was, trying to figure out why raccoons keep having party in my green bin every night (those little masked bandits are smarter than my old self), when I stumbled into this weird corner of internet. Instead of finding anti-raccoon strategies, I found something way better - intelligence analysis manuals. Don’t ask me how - internet is strange place, eh?
The “Oh Wait, This Actually Makes Sense!” Moment
First thing I learned was this fancy thing called “thin-slicing.” Sounds like something you do to cheese at Subway, right? But no! It’s this super cool way your brain can make smart decisions super fast.
Let me tell you what happened when I first tried it. I was at Tim Hortons (where else?), line was crazy long because apparently ALL of Toronto need double-double at exact same time. Old me would stand there for 20 minutes, then panic-order wrong thing. But new me? I looked at line movement patterns, checked how many staff working, noticed which coffee machines working properly, and BOOM - knew exactly which line would move fastest!
My friend Sarah was like “How you always pick right line now?” I tried explaining about pattern recognition and rapid cognitive processing, but she just said “Whatever, you’re like weird coffee psychic now.”
The Multiple Brain Party
Then I learned about this thing intelligence people do - they look at problems from different angles. Not just two sides like angel and devil on shoulders (though that would be easier). They look at ALL possible sides.
Real story: Last month my apartment started making weird noise at night. Old me would just hide under blanket and hope ghost is friendly Canadian ghost who says sorry. But new me? Oh boy, let me tell you what happened!
I sat down and did what analysts call “competing hypothesis analysis” (fancy words make me sound smart, yes?). I thought:
- Maybe it’s ghost (but then why ghost only make noise after 11pm?)
- Maybe pipes are broken (but why noise sound like dubstep music?)
- Maybe neighbor having secret party (but why every night?)
- Maybe someone mining bitcoin (ding ding ding!)
Turned out my neighbor was running crypto mining operation! All that thinking helped me solve mystery AND get discount on rent because those machines were eating building’s electricity like hungry moose at maple tree!
When Brain Goes Too Smart
Sometimes this new thinking makes funny situations. Like last week at Loblaws, I spent 15 minutes analyzing which checkout line would be fastest based on:
- Cart contents (person with 50 coupons = danger!)
- Cashier energy levels (after 6 hours shift = slow motion)
- Payment methods (person searching for coins in giant purse = run away)
My girlfriend now calls me “The Line Whisperer” but also says I think too much about simple things. Maybe she right - yesterday I made decision matrix to choose between Pizza Pizza and Domino’s. (But hey, I got perfect pizza in end!)
The Funny Side Effects Nobody Warned Me About
You know what’s weird? Now I can’t watch hockey game without analyzing player patterns and predicting plays. My friends banned me from watching Leafs games with them because I keep saying what’s going to happen before it happens. (To be fair, with Leafs, usually what happens is they lose, so maybe not such amazing prediction 😅)
And don’t even get me started on dating! Now I catch myself doing full intelligence analysis of dating profiles: “Subject shows multiple photos with same cat - indicates consistency and responsibility. However, all photos taken at same angle - potential red flag for outdated profile or strategic image management.”
My mom thinks I either genius now or need to stop reading weird stuff on internet. Maybe both true?
But For Real Though…
Even with all fancy thinking patterns, I still sometimes put empty milk bags back in fridge (sorry, roommate!) and forget which side is Canada and which side USA when crossing border (sorry, border officer!). But now my brain works different - like upgraded from old Nokia phone to new iPhone, except sometimes I drop this iPhone on face while lying in bed (metaphorically speaking).
The best part? When life gets complicated or scary, I don’t panic like before. Now I just pretend I’m intelligence analyst and break problems into pieces. Works for everything from TTC delays to trying to understand why Canadian geese so angry all time (this one still mystery - some things too complex even for intelligence methods).
P.S. Dear CSIS agent who probably reading this - I promise I only use these powers for good! And if you know secret way to make raccoons respect green bin rules, please send help. I tried negotiating with them but they very tough bargainers.